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Twenty Things You Shouldn’t Do Naked

Twenty Things You Shouldn’t Do Naked

Image representing things you shouldn't do naked.

We naturists are always banging on about all the wonderful things you can do naked. ‘What ever you can do, you can do naked’ we say.

But is that really true?

I’m as quick to step out of my clothes as any other naturist, but there are some things—quite a lot now I think about it—that I would never do in the raw. Climb into a spider-infested attic for one. Or take a nude hike through the Amazon jungle. But that’s just me. Other people are perfectly happy to do these things in the buff.

There are some situations, though, where being naked would be so wrong that no sane person should never, ever, knowingly do them. (I know. I’ve accidentally done some of them.)

With that in mind I bullied the old grey cells to come up with some examples. I don’t claim that it’s an exhaustive list (I haven’t even mentioned ferrets or chicken wire), but it’s a start, and you may well have more suggestions. If you have I’d love to hear them.

So here then, in no particular order, are my top twenty things not to do naked. (Some entries contain links to external websites, which may be NSFW. It’s up to you.)

My top-twenty nude no-nos

1 Attend Friday prayers in a mosque especially if you’re a woman. A church might be less dangerous, but equally as inappropriate.

2 Sit on an ants nest. I’ve done this. Ants in your pants without pants is not nice, trust me. I’ll tell you about it sometime.

3 Weld anything.

4 Anything involving bees, hedgehogs or an irritable cat.

5 Many garden tasks. Like trimming a blackthorn hedge, pruning roses, clearing brambles, climbing a tree, caring for a cactus.

6 Turn up at a parent-teacher meeting, or collect the kids from school.

7 Anything involving a real Christmas tree. Unless you’ve been at the Christmas sherry and are pleasantly numbed.

8 Get locked out.

9 Meet your prospective in-laws. Unless they are also naked, in which case be aware that this is how your fit and toned partner will look in later years. You might have much to look forward to. Or maybe not.

10 Get anywhere near super glue. Long story, but a club member sat on an open tube that had been momentarily left lying around. The tube stuck fast to his buttocks. It was eventually removed by gallons of nail-polish remover, brute strength and some swearing and tearing of flesh. Not a pleasant experience for him, although one foolish lady, clearly under the influence of too much vino, thought it was hilarious and laughed her fat head off. I apologised later though.

11 Fall asleep in public, especially if you are also drunk. I’ve also done this, but it was so embarrassing I’m not going to talk about it. So I’ll point you here and here , and slink along to the next section whilst you’re not looking.

12 Get arrested. You’ll look ridiculous. And even if you’re innocent you’ll look as guilty as hell.
Been there, done that, wrote the book. (Really, I wrote the book.)

13 Photograph something for eBay that’s got a reflective surface or is near a mirror. Unless you want over 3 million visitors a day to see you in all your glory.

14 Get on your hands and knees with your bottom in the air to search for a dropped contact lens. Especially if your friend behind you has a badminton racquet and a warped sense of humour. This also has happened to me. We haven’t spoken since. It was her contact lens too.

15 Handstands and cartwheels especially if you are a female.

16 Climb over a barbed wire fence especially if you are a male.

17 Sit on a leather car seat on a hot summer’s day.

18 Go paintballing or bobsleighing. Making naked snow angels is fun, but the enjoyment soon cools off, along with everything else.

19 Hang those new curtains especially if there’s a bus stop/ school/ police station/ football stadium directly opposite your house.

And, last but not least:

20 Get dressed again. You are a naturist. Why waste all that nakedness?

Searching For a Nudist Song- The Uncovered Version

Naked female singing on a stage

There is a song— more of a hymn really, although it doesn’t actually address the Almighty by name — much loved by the English, yet probably almost unknown to the rest of the world.

It’s a rousing, inspirational piece, which soars and dips through a series of peaks and troughs and crescendos, and it never fails to bring a lump to my throat whenever I sing it. It’s a favourite at English weddings and funerals, it’s sung in schools and churches throughout the land, it closes the annual conferences of all three main British political parties, and is the theme tune of the national Women’s Institute.

It’s called ‘Jerusalem’, and many English people—including yours truly— would like to adopt it for those occasions when we need a purely English, as opposed to British, national anthem.

Apparently, it’s also the anthem of the British nudist movement, which was news to me. This was revealed in a television programme I saw a few weeks ago. Actually the programme was first shown on BBC 4 years ago, but I came across it on a dusty old videotape in an aged relative’s house which I was helping to clear.

The programme, called, I think, An Anthem For England discussed the use and history of the song and suggested its adoption as the national anthem of England. There were contributions from many of the great and good of the time, and also from assorted groups and cliques including politicians of all persuasions, trade unionists, football supporters, public school types, churchmen, historians, the Women’s Institute, various choirs, a band called Fat Les and, importantly for our purposes, a group of naturists.

Naturist? Why naturists? Because, according to this programme it seems that this song is, or was, also the anthem of British Naturism. As I said, this was news to me, but to prove it the programme showed a gaggle of naturists standing nude in a field, singing the song in that sheepish, dispirited way that English people have when they are asked to sing in front of an audience, especially if they happen to be mother-naked and freezing to death at the time.

Now, just what is going on here?

As a born and bred English girl, I too love the song, and at every opportunity will croak it out with as much gusto as this ageing old larynx can manage.

But a nudist anthem? Since when? And anyway, why choose a uniquely English song to represent British Naturism. What would our friends in Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland think? No, I don’t think so. I think someone got that wrong. For one thing, do we even need an anthem? I mean, when would we sing it?

Every time we get naked? Hmmm. Not really practical is it?

Down at he club? Come on now—we don’t want to frighten the wildlife or annoy the neighbours.

At sauna / swim nights? Have you heard the acoustics at most municipal swimming baths? Try singing the high bits and see what I mean.

OK then. How about a rendition at the end of the British Naturism AGM? Now that’s a much more sensible idea. The only problem is that besides being English rather than British, the song itself doesn’t really lend itself to the nudist ethos, which espouses peace, equality, and harmony with nature. Whilst we would have no problems with ‘In England’s green and pleasant land’, lyrics such as ‘bring me my chariot of fire’ and ‘nor shall my sword sleep in my hand’ and even those ‘dark satanic mills’ are surely a trifle too stern, edgy and combative to represent a gentle organization like ours.

The Women’s Institute, yes, without a doubt. But the nudist movement, definitely not.

So, if we were to have an anthem, and I’m not convinced that we need one, we would have to look elsewhere. With this in mind, and with nothing much else to do on this miserable cold winter’s day, I set myself the task of finding a suitable national nudist song.

It wasn’t easy. Nothing quite ticks all the boxes, and there wasn’t one stand-out candidate. The trouble is that although there are many that seem at first glance to be contenders, closer investigations reveals that, just as with Jerusalem, the words are not really suitable—usually because they are steamy enough to peel paint off the wall. So in the end I simply settled for a selection based upon the title (or a mangled version of the title) alone.

Here then, in no particular order, is my short-list:

Naked by Avril Lavigne
Totally Nude by Talking Heads
I’ll Be Seeing You In All The Old Familiar Places with apologies to Bing Crosby
I’m in the Nude for Love with apologies toFrank Sinatra
Nobody Does It Barer with apologies to Carly Simon
I like you so much better when you’re naked by Ida Maria
Buck Nekkid by ZZ Top
Desnudate (Get Naked) by Christina Aguilera
Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Barer! written by Irving Berlin and sung by many.

Now this is, of course, just a short personal selection, chosen by me before a guilty conscience compelled me to go and do something useful. You may have other, better ideas, or even have written an original piece. I’d love to hear your suggestions, but please keep them clean; I’m still hyperventilating from the Christina Aguilera song.

One last thing. Don’t look to me if you want any nudist anthem recorded. For one thing I have a voice that is beautifully suited to silent movies, but apart from that there is the question of the nude promotion video which will inevitably accompany its release. This could be a big publicity opportunity for the nudist movement, and you’d want only the best performers, in terms of singing ability, show business experience, and, let’s face it, nude appeal. Their references would need to be impeccable. I may have had my moments in the past, but now I just don’t think my testimonials are good enough.

Any volunteers please?

Nudism Deluxe.

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Nudism in South Africa. (Tweet)

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