Category Archives: Messages and Musings

Searching For a Nudist Song- The Uncovered Version

Naked female singing on a stage

There is a song— more of a hymn really, although it doesn’t actually address the Almighty by name — much loved by the English, yet probably almost unknown to the rest of the world.

It’s a rousing, inspirational piece, which soars and dips through a series of peaks and troughs and crescendos, and it never fails to bring a lump to my throat whenever I sing it. It’s a favourite at English weddings and funerals, it’s sung in schools and churches throughout the land, it closes the annual conferences of all three main British political parties, and is the theme tune of the national Women’s Institute.

It’s called ‘Jerusalem’, and many English people—including yours truly— would like to adopt it for those occasions when we need a purely English, as opposed to British, national anthem.

Apparently, it’s also the anthem of the British nudist movement, which was news to me. This was revealed in a television programme I saw a few weeks ago. Actually the programme was first shown on BBC 4 years ago, but I came across it on a dusty old videotape in an aged relative’s house which I was helping to clear.

The programme, called, I think, An Anthem For England discussed the use and history of the song and suggested its adoption as the national anthem of England. There were contributions from many of the great and good of the time, and also from assorted groups and cliques including politicians of all persuasions, trade unionists, football supporters, public school types, churchmen, historians, the Women’s Institute, various choirs, a band called Fat Les and, importantly for our purposes, a group of naturists.

Naturist? Why naturists? Because, according to this programme it seems that this song is, or was, also the anthem of British Naturism. As I said, this was news to me, but to prove it the programme showed a gaggle of naturists standing nude in a field, singing the song in that sheepish, dispirited way that English people have when they are asked to sing in front of an audience, especially if they happen to be mother-naked and freezing to death at the time.

Now, just what is going on here?

As a born and bred English girl, I too love the song, and at every opportunity will croak it out with as much gusto as this ageing old larynx can manage.

But a nudist anthem? Since when? And anyway, why choose a uniquely English song to represent British Naturism. What would our friends in Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland think? No, I don’t think so. I think someone got that wrong. For one thing, do we even need an anthem? I mean, when would we sing it?

Every time we get naked? Hmmm. Not really practical is it?

Down at he club? Come on now—we don’t want to frighten the wildlife or annoy the neighbours.

At sauna / swim nights? Have you heard the acoustics at most municipal swimming baths? Try singing the high bits and see what I mean.

OK then. How about a rendition at the end of the British Naturism AGM? Now that’s a much more sensible idea. The only problem is that besides being English rather than British, the song itself doesn’t really lend itself to the nudist ethos, which espouses peace, equality, and harmony with nature. Whilst we would have no problems with ‘In England’s green and pleasant land’, lyrics such as ‘bring me my chariot of fire’ and ‘nor shall my sword sleep in my hand’ and even those ‘dark satanic mills’ are surely a trifle too stern, edgy and combative to represent a gentle organization like ours.

The Women’s Institute, yes, without a doubt. But the nudist movement, definitely not.

So, if we were to have an anthem, and I’m not convinced that we need one, we would have to look elsewhere. With this in mind, and with nothing much else to do on this miserable cold winter’s day, I set myself the task of finding a suitable national nudist song.

It wasn’t easy. Nothing quite ticks all the boxes, and there wasn’t one stand-out candidate. The trouble is that although there are many that seem at first glance to be contenders, closer investigations reveals that, just as with Jerusalem, the words are not really suitable—usually because they are steamy enough to peel paint off the wall. So in the end I simply settled for a selection based upon the title (or a mangled version of the title) alone.

Here then, in no particular order, is my short-list:

Naked by Avril Lavigne
Totally Nude by Talking Heads
I’ll Be Seeing You In All The Old Familiar Places with apologies to Bing Crosby
I’m in the Nude for Love with apologies toFrank Sinatra
Nobody Does It Barer with apologies to Carly Simon
I like you so much better when you’re naked by Ida Maria
Buck Nekkid by ZZ Top
Desnudate (Get Naked) by Christina Aguilera
Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Barer! written by Irving Berlin and sung by many.

Now this is, of course, just a short personal selection, chosen by me before a guilty conscience compelled me to go and do something useful. You may have other, better ideas, or even have written an original piece. I’d love to hear your suggestions, but please keep them clean; I’m still hyperventilating from the Christina Aguilera song.

One last thing. Don’t look to me if you want any nudist anthem recorded. For one thing I have a voice that is beautifully suited to silent movies, but apart from that there is the question of the nude promotion video which will inevitably accompany its release. This could be a big publicity opportunity for the nudist movement, and you’d want only the best performers, in terms of singing ability, show business experience, and, let’s face it, nude appeal. Their references would need to be impeccable. I may have had my moments in the past, but now I just don’t think my testimonials are good enough.

Any volunteers please?

I may be a nudist, but do I have to see your penis?

In the course a longish and varied life, I have, not to put too fine a point on it, seen more penises than you could shake a ruler at.
Large, huge, small, tiny, black, pink and yellow, straight, bent, twisted, corkscrew shaped, hanging down, pointing up or sticking straight out, shrinking and growing, soft, hard and somewhere in between, tattooed, pierced, cut and uncut, natural and smooth, one that had been bitten by a ferret (not funny, just stupid), one that was stuck in several folds of wire mesh (funny, but don’t ask!) and a few that defy description.
I say this not to shock or brag, or because I’m a nymphomaniac or a closet urologist. I’ve seen even more lady-parts in my life, but that doesn’t make me one of the Sisters of Sappho. It’s just the way it’s been. I’m sure many ladies of a similar age and background, especially if they’ve been practising naturists since Carter was in the White House could say the same.

The point I’m trying to make—and I’m talking specifically to a minority of my male readers and followers here—is that with such a large and varied repertoire of choppers under my belt, so to speak, I’ve just about seen all there is to see. And unless your todger is solid gold and whistles “Hallelujah” it won’t impress me at all – if indeed that is what you’re trying to do.
What makes you think, then, that I so desperately want to see your pecker that the first thing you do, by way of introduction, is to post or send me a photo of it? I don’t mean to be rude, I really don’t, but what is so special about yours that it’s more important than your face?

Oh dear! I’m going off on one again. I didn’t mean to.
That’s the first of my new year’s resolutions to go up in smoke.
It’s just that I’ve grown tired of clicking on a social media profile and seeing a penis. Sometimes with the rest of the man attached, but basically just a penis, in various states of robustness.
The fact is, boys, that just because I’m a naturist it doesn’t mean that I have to, or want to, see your penis.

I am a naturist. But let’s be clear. Genuine naturism celebrates the whole of the body, not just the giggly parts.
Naturists get naked for pleasure and well-being, and if we happen to be sharing a naturist environment we will see each other naked, and that’s fine because, well – because we’re naturists, and that’s what we do. Similarly we see and share photos of happy fully naked people enjoying a nudist lifestyle and that’s fine too.
But in my opinion seeing others naked and being seen naked yourself isn’t the main point of naturism.

Naturism is much more selfish than that.

In my book I define naturism as “… the enjoyment of getting as naked as possible, wherever appropriate, alone or with others, just for its own sake.” Enjoying naturism means relishing a unique combination of recreational activity, social event, health benefits and environmental philosophy all rolled into one.
And I do it for me. No one else. It makes me feel better, healthier, more relaxed and I can do it alone or with others, as the case maybe.
In other words, my reason for being a naturist is not to show other people my bits but to make me feel better. It’s not important to me that other people see me naked: if it was I’d have become a stripper.
In just the same way I can appreciate the fact that you are a naturist without you sending me a close-up of your credentials to prove it.
If we meet in the street, and I extend my arm to shake your hand I’m sure you wouldn’t dream of plonking your tool in my palm. So why, if you’re contacting me by email or following me on social media, do you think the first thing, indeed in some cases the only thing, I must see is your John Thomas?
It’s not only bad manners, but it’s offensive and, to my mind anyway, labels you as more of an exhibitionist and a lewdist than a naturist – and yes, to my mind there is a difference.

The other thing to think about, if you are indeed a genuine nudist and not just a flasher, is the effect on non-naturists who happen to come across your profile, especially on social media. Society is becoming more puritanical and prudish by the day. Naturists are increasingly coming under the cosh from people who have a mistaken impression of what naturism is about. Many of us have been campaigning hard to overthrow this impression and show naturism as the natural, health giving theraputic activity that it is. Explicit profiles of “nudists “ just reinforce the general public’s already strongly rooted negative prejudices and make our job harder.
Even worse, by association we all get tarred with the same brush.

So, gents. Can I ask you to go easy on the genital selfies? I’m sure yours is wonderful, and I know you’re proud of it, but there must be more to you than just your tallywhacker.
And remember that displaying it immoderately might well have the very opposite effect that you intend.

If you want to say hello that’s fine.

But please, don’t be a complete dick about it.

Have a great new year!

Far East heads list of reluctant nudists

Asian nudistsMore than 80 percent of Korean tourists reported feeling uncomfortable at nude beaches when travelling overseas.

Expedia, an online travel agency, conducted a survey on 11,155 tourists from 24 countries to arrive at the conclusion.

When asked for opinions regarding nude beaches, 81 percent of Korean tourists answered, ‘uncomfortable’, followed by Japan (75%) and Hong Kong (73%).
Conversely, European countries such as Austria (24%) and Germany (28%) were more comfortable with nude beaches and toplessness in general.

For those of us who have discovered the benefits and joys of naturism it seems a shame that such a large part of the world should be so reluctant to embrace social nudity, but I guess that cultural influences are not easily overcome. Maybe one day. . . Until then let’s just be happy that there’s more room on the beach for the rest of us!

Christmas thoughts and wishes

I’m sure you’ve noticed that Christmas is nearly upon us. High Streets are lit with Santa’s and stars, giant Christmas trees sprout at road junctions, shops turn into glittering wonderlands and the festive ads on TV are already five weeks old.

Now you can call me an old traditionalist if you want, but I’d prefer that Yuletide start just a little later in the year. About mid-December would be nice.

The trouble is that the commercial interests who are doing their best to destroy the real meaning of Christmas for the sake of a quick buck are now trying to pull another fast one. By using the term “Seasonal”, instead of the more traditional “Christmas”, or “Yuletide”, they are able to expand a very holy and well-defined Christian festival into an infinitely extendable shopping opportunity.

We shouldn’t fall for it. We shouldn’t let them get away with it. We should fight against it.

So. What has this got to do with naturism?

Well, nothing, actually. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

But since this is supposed to be a naturist article, and because even I’m at the Christmas gift planning stage, I thought this might be a good opportunity to look at some gifts we might buy for our nudist loved ones and friends. Here then, is my brief Guide to Nudist Christmas Shopping.

FOR HIM:
Why not let him while away the long winter evenings with a great book exploring the quirky history of the nudist cinema?

Cinema Au Naturel: A History of Nudist Film brings to life many long-forgotten films such as Elysia: Valley of the Nude, The Monster at Camp Sunshine, and Take Off Your Clothes and Live. This is the first book devoted to these tantalizing films, and author Mark Storey shows them worthy of both light-hearted and serious consideration.

No? Something a little more risque perhaps?

How about The Naked Truth about Hedonism II: A Totally Unauthorized, Naughty But Nice Guide to Jamaica’s Very Adult Resort, 2nd Edition 

Everyone returns from Hedonism II, an adult resort in Jamaica, with at least one good story. This book is a collection of those  cheeky stories and also a bawdy travel guide for making the most of a trip to this resort. Sporting forty three colour photos and eighteen black-and-white ones, the book is sure to make him laugh at the antics of the guests who keep coming back for more naked silliness.

FOR HER:
What’s simple and comfortable yet stylish and graceful, looks as good in the bedroom as it does on the beach, and is the ideal “throw on” for the nudist lady in your life? I’m talking about a Kimono, that functional but elegant garment which has graced Japanese ladies for centuries.

Forget struggling into shorts or donning unflattering jogging bottoms – she can slip into a Kimono as if it were a housecoat, and she’ll still look a million dollars! Traditional silk may be out of the range of all but the very rich, but you can find a superb range of stunning designs in cotton at
http://www.thekimonocompany.co.uk/

We all know what the excesses of Christmas can do to our figures, and there’s nothing like going nude on a beach or a club to highlight the results of our over-indulgence. But fear not. If your lady is already worrying about the excess pounds she’ll really appreciate the aptly named How To Look Good Naked DVD.

Reviewer Diana Quacinella says” This is quite possibly the best set of workout tapes I’ve tried. In weeks I saw a difference in my abs, butt and thighs. My tummy is now toned and my thighs have great shape. I’ve tried pilates, yoga and nothing has worked as great as this set!”

FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY:
If you really want to splash out (and you’ve got the means to do so!) how about your own private nudist paradise island?

The 26 acre (10 hectare) Little Eden Cay coral island is located close to the Caribbean Coast of Nicaragua and has been transformed into the ultimate getaway, featuring a most luxurious and beautifully detailed home away from home. A full time manager lives on the Cay and attends to the maintenance and housekeeping of the main house, supervision of the other island staff, and acts as butler to any guests in residence. Other staff include a gardener, a caretaker and a housekeeper.

The price? A snip atjust under 4 million US Dollars. If you’re really interested go to http://www.privateislandsonline.com/littleeden.htm

Better still, if you’ve got that kind of money contact me first. I’ve got this great business idea that can’t fail…!

Seriously though, I guess that’s just about it for another year. I’m off to Florida for Christmas, so I won’t be writing again until the New Year. I’d just like to thank you all for all your support, interest and your kind comments in 2009, and wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy, Peaceful and Prosperous New Year.

See you in January.

God bless.

A lesson about stereotyping

I thought it would never happen to me, so I didn’t take proper precautions.Then one day recently whilst  doing a little surfing, flashing alarms suddenly infested my screen, and urgent messages blinked at me telling me that my folders contained about a million viruses which could only be cured if I pressed this download button now. I’d heard of other people being tricked into downloading something which eventually destroyed their system, so, not knowing what else to do and not having a know-all teenager handy, I switched off and unplugged.

I felt pretty smug. I had avoided the trap. I had refused to panic and download something nasty. I had outwitted the geeky virus writers, the  sneeky hackers and the shabby spammers.
I had a celebratory cup of tea whilst I waited for the dust to settle a bit, and then with a triumphant flourish I switched my machine back on.
Except that I couldn’t. Or rather, I could power it up, but nothing significant happened. All I got after a few seconds of whirring was a blue screen and a message about something being corrupted  in my Fat sector, which I didn’t understand but which wasn’t, I thought, a very nice thing to say to a girl.
Rebooting didn’t help, neither did swearing nor threatening it with the first floor drop.
A friend of mine suggested using the back-up disc so thoughtfully provided by Evesham Computers when I purchased it some years ago, but it refused to load ( naturally!) and the option of phoning the helpline had disappeared some months before when Evesham went out of business.
Now I began to panic.
It wasn’t the computer itself that I was worried about. It was over 6 years old and had become unreliable and due for replacement. Anyway, I could carry on working and accessing the internet etc on my laptop.
What really spooked me was the potential data loss. Although most of my writings are backed up to CD’s and DVD’s, I had hundred of digital photos and over 1000 of my favourite songs stored on my desktop computer, as well as personal documents of one sort or another. All of them, particularly the photographs, were irreplaceable. None were backed up. I felt sick, and not a little foolish.
I phoned around Yellow Pages for some professional help and nearly had the conniptions at the average rate being quoted of £50 an hour with a minimum fee of £200. Yikes! For that sort of money I could buy a posh cocktail dress AND have enough left over for some stockings.
As a last resort, I decided to pop into my local Maplins ( an chain of UK electronics stores), to see if they had any suggestions.
 The assistant was small, spotty. bespectacled and geeky and so fitted my stereotype of the the sort of little snirp who wrote the virus that caused my problem in the first place that I almost biffed him one on sight.
And how wrong I would have been. After patiently listening to my problem, and politely answering my entirely stupid, computer illiterate questions, he came up with a solution which entailed removing my hard drive ( scary but not difficult) and plugging it in via a special contraption to my lap top.
Result, thanks to a geeky kidI can now access all the data I thought I’d lost, at a cost of less than £16.
Which just goes to show how important it is to back your data up. And how foolish we are to  judge people according to sterotypes.
Including geeks. And especially naturists.

World’s best nude events and beaches revealed

Trip Advisor, the travel website  has announced the winners of top 5 nude events and top 5 nude beaches. Quite what criteria they used, and who carried out the judging is unknown, but here are the results according to Trip Advisor.

The top five naked events :

1. World Naked Bike Ride
Held annually since 2004, bike riders from all around the world celebrate cycling in the nude.

2. World Record Skinny Dip
More than 12,000 people stripped off and gathered in pools across the US to form the “largest number of people skinny dipping at once,” now a category in the Guinness Book of World Records.

3. Nude Beach Olympics
The Nude Olympics take place on Australia’s sunny Maslin Beach.

4. Running of the Nudes
Held in Pamplona just after the annual “Running of the Bulls”, this is an event organised by PETA to protest against the cruelty of bullfighting.An alternative to the running of the

5. Burning Man Festival
An annual event held in the Black Rock Desert, Nevada, which usually includes large amounts of human nudity.

Top five nudist beaches

1. Haulover Beach Park Florida

2. Wreck Beach Canada

3. Paradise Beach, Mykonos

4. Orient Beach, St.Maarten, Caribbean.

5. Black’s Beach, California.

I don’t disagree too much with Trip Advisor  on the events, except that I ‘m surprised that The Burning Man Festival was chosen over seriously  nude events like  the World Body Painting Festival in Austria or De Blote Billen Loop (Zandvoort, Netherlands –people have to run or walk 5 km in the nude, on a nude beach)  or even  the Valentine’s Day Nude Bungee Jump in Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada.

With regard to the beaches, well, I guess it’s entirely subjective, so who am I to argue, except to say that Paradise Beach was overtaken years ago by Panormos beach on the north of Mykonos and neither of those two would get into my top five! In fact my list would include only two of the Trip Advisor selection.

Still, it all depends on what makes a beach the best for you, and until you’ve visited them all how can you judge which is the best in the world?

Guess I’d better get packing. So much to see, so little time…

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