Twenty Things You Shouldn’t Do Naked

Twenty Things You Shouldn’t Do Naked

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We naturists are always banging on about all the wonderful things you can do naked. ‘What ever you can do, you can do naked’ we say.

But is that really true?

I’m as quick to step out of my clothes as any other naturist, but there are some things—quite a lot now I think about it—that I would never do in the raw. Climb into a spider-infested attic for one. Or take a nude hike through the Amazon jungle. But that’s just me. Other people are perfectly happy to do these things in the buff.

There are some situations, though, where being naked would be so wrong that no sane person should never, ever, knowingly do them. (I know. I’ve accidentally done some of them.)

With that in mind I bullied the old grey cells to come up with some examples. I don’t claim that it’s an exhaustive list (I haven’t even mentioned ferrets or chicken wire), but it’s a start, and you may well have more suggestions. If you have I’d love to hear them.

So here then, in no particular order, are my top twenty things not to do naked. (Some entries contain links to external websites, which may be NSFW. It’s up to you.)

My top-twenty nude no-nos

1 Attend Friday prayers in a mosque especially if you’re a woman. A church might be less dangerous, but equally as inappropriate.

2 Sit on an ants nest. I’ve done this. Ants in your pants without pants is not nice, trust me. I’ll tell you about it sometime.

3 Weld anything.

4 Anything involving bees, hedgehogs or an irritable cat.

5 Many garden tasks. Like trimming a blackthorn hedge, pruning roses, clearing brambles, climbing a tree, caring for a cactus.

6 Turn up at a parent-teacher meeting, or collect the kids from school.

7 Anything involving a real Christmas tree. Unless you’ve been at the Christmas sherry and are pleasantly numbed.

8 Get locked out.

9 Meet your prospective in-laws. Unless they are also naked, in which case be aware that this is how your fit and toned partner will look in later years. You might have much to look forward to. Or maybe not.

10 Get anywhere near super glue. Long story, but a club member sat on an open tube that had been momentarily left lying around. The tube stuck fast to his buttocks. It was eventually removed by gallons of nail-polish remover, brute strength and some swearing and tearing of flesh. Not a pleasant experience for him, although one foolish lady, clearly under the influence of too much vino, thought it was hilarious and laughed her fat head off. I apologised later though.

11 Fall asleep in public, especially if you are also drunk. I’ve also done this, but it was so embarrassing I’m not going to talk about it. So I’ll point you here and here , and slink along to the next section whilst you’re not looking.

12 Get arrested. You’ll look ridiculous. And even if you’re innocent you’ll look as guilty as hell.
Been there, done that, wrote the book. (Really, I wrote the book.)

13 Photograph something for eBay that’s got a reflective surface or is near a mirror. Unless you want over 3 million visitors a day to see you in all your glory.

14 Get on your hands and knees with your bottom in the air to search for a dropped contact lens. Especially if your friend behind you has a badminton racquet and a warped sense of humour. This also has happened to me. We haven’t spoken since. It was her contact lens too.

15 Handstands and cartwheels especially if you are a female.

16 Climb over a barbed wire fence especially if you are a male.

17 Sit on a leather car seat on a hot summer’s day.

18 Go paintballing or bobsleighing. Making naked snow angels is fun, but the enjoyment soon cools off, along with everything else.

19 Hang those new curtains especially if there’s a bus stop/ school/ police station/ football stadium directly opposite your house.

And, last but not least:

20 Get dressed again. You are a naturist. Why waste all that nakedness?

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